My Habits of Self-Doubt

Yeah, so it’s been awhile and the funny thing is that the last time I wrote I said that I wanted to write more. But I didn’t end up doing it.

Why?

Well, basically because, as much as I want to write and express myself and explore ideas, etc, I’m just scared. I’m scared to write, and I always have been, for as long as I can remember.

For some reason, when I first started this blog while I was in Guatemala, I could write and write and write, and I didn’t really want to stop. But as soon as I got home, when I actually had MORE access to the internet and more free time, that is when everything froze.

What happened? Why did it take a LACK of access to the internet to get me to write, to actually share something of myself…and then when I’m in my normal life I clam up. I procrastinate. I just have so much anxiety and fear about so many things.

I think partly its because when I was away, I was distant from all of the forces in my life that keep me quiet. The people who I fear will judge me. The pressures that I feel on my time, etc.

I think also it is the affect of living the kind of consumerist lifestyle that I live. I am surrounded by distractions. I have so many other things to do besides be creative and expressive, and it seems that at nearly every opportunity, I choose to do those other things.

This makes me so sad, because really there is always so much interesting and beautiful stuff going on in my head that I would love to explore, and even share with whoever reads this, but it just doesn’t get out. But that’s also a part of it, as well. I get so overwhelmed by all of the things that I want to do, all at the same time, that I end up not doing anything.

I want this to change. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll do something or not. I guess we’ll all see, depening on future entries.

…And really, there is SO much that I want to be saying to all of you, to myself, right now.

Maybe someday.

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Currently Reading:

-Dispersing Power by Raul Zibechi

There is a movie about this that I was in. It’s called Pay It Forward. I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but if you haven’t, check it out asap. I lay it all out in there. I’ve got the freakin’ blueprint to saving the world and I can draw it on the whiteboard if you want. No seriously, it’s really easy to draw. It’s just lines and circles. Way easier than that time I had to draw “Truth” in Cranium.

Honestly, self-doubt is my biggest hurdle as well. But I am getting over it slowly. Tupac is a big inspiration in this arena. He recorded so many songs because he never got hung up on creating the one true masterpiece. Instead, he would just let whatever came out come out and then moved on to the next. Focus on creating and being honest to the creative process and not about the outcome.

Haley,

Young man, you represent exactly the kind of fresh, hopeful perspective that our country needs right now in these trying times. Your “Pay it Up” idea is a real eye-opener, and I just hope the cynics in this world will give it a chance before turning the cameras away from you…like they did to me in city council the other day. Don’t them let turn the cameras away, Haley. Don’t let them do it.

No seriously, I agree with what you’re saying. I just sit on every idea until it’s perfect…which is never, and so I just keep it there. All these great ideas and good intentions, and I don’t share them. I don’t want to do that so much anymore.

Thank you for writing like this, Dave.