February 2009

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It’s liberating to face it…

-That someday, and it could be any day, I will die. This life is a precious accident. And the chance to share it with you even more an accident. What joy to be able to breathe in this air, to see these colors, to feel the weight of my body.

-And that my body is aging. I can’t jump on beds anymore, and my knees don’t have the spring that they had at 5 or 10. My hair is getting gray, my body and face are rounder. I am creaky. And I will never go back. I could engage in consumerism and body modification in a fit of denial, in an attempt to conquer myself. But no. So much more wonderful to just face it. Those seemingly endless summer vacations. Those silent and silly high school crushes. My first thrills of believing that revolution would come before my 20th birthday…those moments and feelings have passed. They are now memory. But they did happen and I will cherish them. Still, life moves along, and my body will groan and bulge along with it.

-That I will be out of touch with the younger generations. Their priorities will and do feel out of whack. Their technologies confusing. Their arrogance maddening. But it’s their turn for first tries. And it’s my turn for tenth tries. There is room for both of us, without crowding each other out. It just takes a little bit of openness.

-That I will never be perfect, or even live up to all of my personal goals. This life is too short, and soon enough I will have more responsibilities than just myself…I already do. The point of life isn’t to be everything anyways. The point of life is to live as myself, and to fill that role as deeply and openly as possible. And let being myself be enough, so that other people’s selves can come and connect and compliment it. It’s the us that end’s up really making us feel alive. Usually, anyhow.

-That I am on a big kick of nostalgic and sentimental posts about getting older! I think it’s healthy. Better to be doing this now than to be having a crisis at 40, or even 30, feeling like I wasted my years. Not a year of my life has been wasted. I am happy about the life I’ve lived so far. Let’s hope the rest is this rich.

Currently Reading:

-Dispersing Power by Raul Zibechi